Life is funny sometimes, you know? We make changes in our life and think that we are doing what is best. We forget
the lessons that we have already learned in this area and we just push forward. I want a clean home and a cleaning list really helps me to do this. My past has really hindered me in this area for many different reasons. I had worked through this at one point, but it seems that I needed to learn the lesson again, and this time the very hard way.
The Past is the Past, but it Sure Does Affect us Now!
My mom was just a little obsessed with cleanliness.
You could easily eat off of her floors and things were never left out of place. Fast forward quite a few years and I am 26ish, and living in my own home. I have just “cleaned” my living room. This really meant that I had picked up all of the clean laundry that was on the couch, and put it back in the laundry room and shut the door. I am telling my mom this over the phone, and you can hear the disappointment in her voice. She says, “I just do not understand how you can do that. I did not raise you that way!”
I am totally bummed. At this point in my live I am a single mom working full time plus babysitting on the weekends. The fact that the laundry was clean was a miracle!
I began to realize two things in that moment: I did not want to be anything like this woman, and I really did not even want to be around her. I also made a decision, that I am going to love my people and spend time with them, doing the things that we love. Because at the end of my life, when I am about to see Jesus, I really do not think that I am going to be wishing I had kept a cleaner house!
Now, obviously, I want a clean home, but I do not want to be “that” woman. The woman who does not see her daughters worth and love, help, and support her. The woman who only sees that her daughter does not measure up to her standards.
OMG! I Have Turned Into My Mother!
Not for long, but long enough to make myself and those around me crazy. It started out ok. I needed to make a cleaning list for the week so I could stay on top of some stuff. Next thing I know I am depressed, overwhelmed, and angry at everyone in the house. I forgot what a blessing they are and only saw the messes that they were leaving everywhere. I was feeling unappreciated because living is a little messy, and was crying almost daily.
One day my husband looks at me and says, “I don’t think you like taking care of us anymore.” I do not know when , or how, but that to-do list went from a tool to a 50 lb sack that I was carrying. Unsuccessfully, I might add. Which made everything worse! I was a mess and I had no clue what to do about it.
As I was talking with two friends, one explained that they thought there might be something deeper going on. Something that God was trying to tell me.I needed to get before Him and work it out with God. To really stop and listen to what God was telling me.
It just so happened, (God is so good, right?) that I had just started a Homemaking How-To course by Stacy at Humorous Homemaking. Our first job was to list all that we do in a day. Wow! Wonderful woman, I promise that you do way more in a day that you think you do! It was truly eye opening. So I sat down outside, prayed for God’s guidance and help and got to work on my new schedule.
Here is what I learned:
- I thought that getting these things done would make me a better mother and wife. Actually, it did the opposite.
- My parents love always felt very conditional and I tend to think my husband is the same. He is not.
- I have never known my true worth and still don’t. This is something I am working on it.
- I can not believe that there are people and a God who loves me for me. I really want “YOU ARE LOVED” tattooed on my wrist!
- God has really opened my eyes to what is necessary and what is not. He showed me that I want my days to be slow, peaceful, and joy filled. I want love, not self-condemnation. I want to live life fully!
Open your eyes to what is truly bothering you. Because as woman we are rarely upset about what we are angry about. There is something deeper, something that God is trying to show us.
If you are interested in the course, follow the links above! We would love to have you. You can also join Crystal Paine’s private Facebook group!